understanding grief

According to Jannel Phillips, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist at Henry Ford Health, “There can be a disruption in hormones that results in specific symptoms, such as disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, fatigue and anxiety. It's sometimes described as "mind-numbing fog".

" In fact, several regions of the brain play a role in emotion, including areas within the limbic system and pre-frontal cortex. These involve emotional regulation, memory, multi-tasking, organization and learning. When you’re grieving, a flood of neurochemicals and hormones dance around in your head" (Henry Ford Health, 2018).

• Practice Self-Care - Sleep, eat, drink enough water, and breathe. Do what you can, when you can to make sure your basic needs are being met.
• Pause - Work, busyness, & anything else can steal appropriate space for your grief. Grief demands to be seen and acknowledged. Do what you need to pause for it when it requires you to.
• Push back - Negative thoughts can crash in and start a cascade of the "what-ifs", "should-haves", and many other haunting questions. It's okay to ask any meaningful question, but also be aware that many of these are traps with no good or verifiable answer. 
• Partner - With support, we can get back to daily activities & learn to manage grief in our own healthy way. Please don't try to go it alone.
• Perspective - Not denial, but reframing & focusing on gratitude can facilitate true growth toward positive healing. This isn't "toxic positivity", it's simply isolating a thought and questioning whether or not it's rooted in reality.

Remember, your brain isn't broken; it's grieving.

It can be difficult  to know how to handle the pain that comes with losing a loved one. Feeling hurt, enraged, and frustrated is normal. Processing the intense feelings that arise following a death may be challenging and it is typical to look for coping mechanisms and outlets when dealing with grief.

Typically, strategies are developed to deal with the feeling (pain, anger, blame) or the problem (loss of energy, loss of concentration, loss of interest). Here are some different approaches to coping as you learn to live meaningfully with painful loss.

There is no one way to cope, but here are a few helpful ideas.

Successful problem solvers think about what they are doing and why they are doing it. We use reasoning (using relevant information to determine whether a conclusion is valid or an outcome is reasonable) and decision-making (selecting the best alternative among several options) to solve problems (overcoming obstacles to reach a goal). Consider the following steps as you think about the problem you'd currently like to solve:

1. analyze what you believe is the problem
2. decide what a good solution would look like for you
3. consider and apply what you already know to the problem
4. seek advice and counsel from others who have been through this problem
5. create manageable steps to help you move toward your solution
6. evaluate your progress along the way

A loss that leads to grief can evoke a wide range of emotions. You can try expressing your feelings creatively, through 

• writing 
• music
• gardening
• cooking
• singing or dancing
• painting, drawing, or coloring
• exercise/physical activity
• journaling 

These kinds of artistic expressions can be especially beneficial if you find it hard to open up. You can experiment with any kind of expression that you find therapeutic.

Experiencing great loss that results in grief can lead to feelings of isolation, anger, rage, confusion, depression, and more. You don't have to go through that alone. 

As you reach out for help, you'll likely find many others who are on the grief journey, too. Listening to the stories of others, and how they have coped, can be very helpful, too.

Here are some options to help you get started:

• The Compassionate Friends - Support after the death of a child
• AARP Grief and Loss Resources - Support after the death of a senior
• National Widower’s Organization - Support for men grieving a loss
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Support for suicide survivors
• Whatsyourgrief.org - Support for adults grieving a loss
• Taps.org – Support for grieving military survivors and families
• Consider joining my Grief Support on TikTok or message me here for more information about my private Grief Group via Zoom

Emotional and physical well-being frequently suffers when we're deep in grief. You might discover that you're not feeling as well overall and that you're not eating or sleeping well either - that's all normal. It's crucial to see your doctor about any health-related concerns. Make every effort to maintain a healthy diet, get at least eight hours of sleep every night, and participate in some type of activity each week - all easier said than done.

As difficult as it may be, maintaining your physical well-being will benefit your mental well-being as well. If your grieving symptoms are severe, significantly interfering with your everyday activities, or getting worse over time, it is highly recommended that you get mental health care. And remember that it sometimes takes several attempts to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable. That's okay, too.

One positive step toward coping with your loss is to figure out how to stay connected to your loved one - this can take time. You can honor their memory in a variety of ways. You could, for instance, visit their favorite location, wear an article of clothing or jewelry, or keep their pictures visible.

Doing these things may be extremely painful at first, but in the long run, they can provide you a sense of closeness to your child that can be consoling. You know yourself best, so try a few and see what brings you some peace or comfort.

Too often, people don't give themselves the time they need to truly grieve. They, along with family, friends, and society in general, expect the pain to fade quickly. It can be surprising to realize how long it hurts or even how many layers of our lives are effected by the loss. Grief and mourning are individualized, unique experiences that often take years to even adjust to. Allow yourself the time to feel what you feel without judging your progress too harshly. Learning to cope with grief is also learned, so try to be patient with yourself as you go through the process.

Often we want the pain to end now. Unfortunately, the easiest or quickest methods for numbing pain are not the ones that are best for us. While it may seem like a good idea at the time, drinking alcohol, using illicit drugs and isolating yourself only results in frustration and stagnation. Try to avoid the maladaptive coping mechanisms; they can provide temporary relief or craved numbness, but they can also lead to other problems.  Stick with healthy coping methods whenever you can and find the support we all need to help you through the toughest, darkest times.